Becoming “Mommy”

When the doctor put you on my chest, I immediately felt like you were mine.  It was a surreal feeling.  I was now your mother, a guardian and a protector.  But, I didn’t feel like your mommy.  Not yet anyways.

I’m not sure how to explain it, but i’ll try.  When you first start a new job, you have the title, the responsibilities and the benefits that go with it.  But the title doesn’t immediately fit.  You stumble around for the first weeks saying “i’m new” and quoting how many days you’ve worked at the company in your slightly too big to fit title.  Until, of course, that one moment that solidifies you in your new position.  Then, you hold your head high and state, “I’m {insert name}, {position} at {company name}.”

I remember the exact moment I felt like your mommy.

Shortly after you were born, your gammy got sick with shingles.  Shingles is very contagious.  While you can’t get shingles from someone who has shingles, you can get the chicken pox.  Seeing as how you had never had the chicken pox, you weren’t able to visit with your gammy.  After a few weeks, her doctor cleared her of being contagious and your gammy asked if we could visit.  Initially, I was nervous.  I don’t know why, I just was.  After considering the facts – the doctor said it was okay, your gammy was really looking forward to it, you hadn’t seen her for a couple weeks, I was going to be on the westside, only blocks from her house – all signs pointed to go.  So, we went over.  You were very happy to play with your gammy and your gammy was very happy to play with you.  On the ride home, I felt silly for even questioning whether or not to go over.  Until the next day.  The next day, your gammy called and said your G-pa woke up with the chicken pox.  The “what if’s” started to race through my mind and although you were fine, I was a miserable, nervous wreck.

This was the moment I became your mommy.

It was suddenly very obvious to me that not only are you mine, not only am I your mother, but I am your mommy.  There’s a HUGE difference.  When making the decision to go over there, I examined the facts, looked at the options, weighed the pros and cons, etc.  I’ve used these decision-making tactics in my job, in life and in my relationships.  These tactics are fine when making decisions as a person, a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a Director, etc.  All are completely useless when trying to make a decision as a mommy.  That day I realized that a mommy wouldn’t do something because there were more pros than cons.  A mommy is comfortable listening to her gut, following her instincts and believing that her soul will guide her.  Sound ridiculous?  It should, you’re not a mommy.  As an analytical person, these new decision making tactics are completely foreign to me.

In the end, nothing happened.  You’re as healthy as can be and your G-pa was very lucky to get a mild case of the chicken pox.  And me?  I made it through and earned my badge as a mommy.  You can start calling me that whenever you like by the way.

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